Filling the void

We were so perfect together, except the part when your words cut like knives and left me deprecated and bloody. Our vicious cycle seemed to never have an expiration date even when the universe told us it did. I kept coming back. 

The raw passion between is unparalleled.  I find myself barely left breathing, only to fill this void. Knowing that I have finally closed the door, cut the cords, ended communication, I am left with the emptiness inside of me and the deep pain I have caused.  I fucking miss you like crazy and my phone is filled constant reminders of times we spent together. It’s hard getting over you and everything that was and could have been. 

I have this void in my heart, in my life that no one or anything can seem to fill. I’m fighting with myself to not go back, to not send you that email, poem, letter, song.  I’m fighting to keep it in and move on, away from what we had. Dramatic ups and downs ins and outs, circling around for days, weeks, months.  I loved the crazy. I loved how you made me feel. It’s hard for me to imagine anyone making me happy/depressed like you.

  I fucking miss you and the chaos that surrounded us. I hate having this door closed and knowing you are gone forever. The freedom of relief that You will never hurt me again like you did doesn’t set my mind at ease. It will take time to stitch back my heart and I’m not much of a tailor.  Leaving you behind means starting over, starting new, and doing something different. I’m scared to be loved by someone that isn’t you, cause I’ve wanted you for so long. 

I’ll spend a lifetime in pain waiting , so I try to fill the void. And the emptiness inside me burrows deeper with every day away and every passing memory.  They say time heals everything. So I check the locks, and make sure this door won’t open, turn sound and sit in the abyss of my empty void. The only place I know where to be. 



I am at peace now. 

We used to go up and down, highs and lows like the worlds fastest coaster. I liked the ride, the excitement, and the chaos  nervous fear.  The passion I felt was twisted in a world of addictive adrenaline junkie choices. I wanted more, I had to have more, I needed more. 

I used to complain about the ride, but I never got off, instead I chose to ride it out to more extremes. More violence, more ugliness, more disaster, more pain. 

I am at peace now. 

Now I circle you, I circle us like a carousel. Around and around, smooth gentle ride. Even and stable, I can withstand the chaos of existence.  

I don’t want to ride the roller coaster anymore. I want life on life’s terms, crying coping pain around and around in circles, ever moving, smooth and steady, minute by minute day by day. 

There are moments, brief lapse of judgement when the nostalgia creeps in and takes me hostage.  Those are times I seem to forget the nausea, the heartbreak, the unmanagability. I just remember the heart racing thrill I once felt. I urn for that excitement, and sometimes one day at a time doesn’t give it to me. Sometimes I see you on the ride and I want to get on.  Until those 2:30am calls for help arose, until those agonizing pleas and dissatisfaction come about, until those alcohol induced consequences become reality. Then I remember the carousel. 

I am at peace.  Around and around, smooth and steady. I want so badly to buy you ticket to join me, I want  to ride this carousel with you by my side, I wish for peace in your life like I have found.  

But you don’t want to get off the roller coaster of unmanageability yet. Your ride isn’t done. So I choose to answer the calls for help, listen to the chaos and consequences and without judgement and wait. Wait for a time when we can ride together. Wait for a time when we walk the same the path. I wait without fear, filled with faith one day at a time.

I am at peace, calm and steady, around and around.