So close yet so far away

I can’t help the compulsion. I was addicted. I’m an addict. The desire to want more plays rapidly through my mind. Sometimes often sometimes not for days, but the urge to want to use, it never leaves me. Problem is my drug, my impulse, my compulsion, is him, and that’s hurts/kills you.

I don’t want to think about him. I don’t want to dream about him. I don’t want to miss him. I see the pain in my life from that addiction and I don’t like it. It tears me apart inside and leaves a space empty in my heart.

I want you to fill that space.  I want to be full of love and connection. I want to be present and dream of us.  It’s a struggle. An ongoing battle between  my angels and my demons. Like I’m never satisfied. Like I’m not good enough. Like  I can’t possibly be enough cause I don’t feel like I’m ever enough.

Memories of love lust long gone burn hard in the forefront of my mind.  I grieve within the chaos cluster fuck of emotions he left behind.  I want to be everything beautiful for you. But the honest truth is I’m a beautiful disaster.  Lost in this world searching for the light.  Stay a little longer. Spark your lighter. Lead the way.


Resoration to sanity

I pray. 

I meditate. 

I share. 

I love. 

I grow. 

I am still insane.  Heart tangled up in a web of chaos, dysfunction, and desire to be healthy and sane once again. How do I get there? Where can I find relief?  Where do I lay my restless, useless soul down to stop this madness? 

Life has offered me love instead of anger.  Yet I can release these resentments, past lives filled with mistakes and pain, I want to accept and forgive, but I feel the pull into the darkness consume me. First it was a fleeting thought, then it became a constant reminder, soon it was a hollow place inside me eating away at the very life I built. 

I want to release these fears and have faith.  But I feel my prayers are unheard. Echoes of whiny, desperate plea to change, seeking instant gratification.  And you? Well the path of destruction I create has left you crumbling to the ground clinging for dear life. I’m like Midas, destroying everything around me in a superficial looks good on the outside way. 

I just want to be whole again. If I was ever. Although I do remember a time as a young girl when life was simple, full of hope and love, and the roses smelled sweet. Take me back to there. Restore me to sanity. 

Filling the void

We were so perfect together, except the part when your words cut like knives and left me deprecated and bloody. Our vicious cycle seemed to never have an expiration date even when the universe told us it did. I kept coming back. 

The raw passion between is unparalleled.  I find myself barely left breathing, only to fill this void. Knowing that I have finally closed the door, cut the cords, ended communication, I am left with the emptiness inside of me and the deep pain I have caused.  I fucking miss you like crazy and my phone is filled constant reminders of times we spent together. It’s hard getting over you and everything that was and could have been. 

I have this void in my heart, in my life that no one or anything can seem to fill. I’m fighting with myself to not go back, to not send you that email, poem, letter, song.  I’m fighting to keep it in and move on, away from what we had. Dramatic ups and downs ins and outs, circling around for days, weeks, months.  I loved the crazy. I loved how you made me feel. It’s hard for me to imagine anyone making me happy/depressed like you.

  I fucking miss you and the chaos that surrounded us. I hate having this door closed and knowing you are gone forever. The freedom of relief that You will never hurt me again like you did doesn’t set my mind at ease. It will take time to stitch back my heart and I’m not much of a tailor.  Leaving you behind means starting over, starting new, and doing something different. I’m scared to be loved by someone that isn’t you, cause I’ve wanted you for so long. 

I’ll spend a lifetime in pain waiting , so I try to fill the void. And the emptiness inside me burrows deeper with every day away and every passing memory.  They say time heals everything. So I check the locks, and make sure this door won’t open, turn sound and sit in the abyss of my empty void. The only place I know where to be.