(originally written in Oct 2017)
Que in Staind.
“Since I’ve gone and fucked things up just I always do. It’s been awhile, but all that shit seems to disappear when I’m with you.”
One year ago you were here with me. The crisp bitter air brings back the waft of your memory. My heart is wandering back to the chaos of pain and codependency. I feel myself wandering away from the healthy balanced life I have built for my self. But I guess it been awhile since I have lived like the song that defined me for so many years.
“It’s been awhile since I wasn’t addicted…”
I’m still addicted. Today I want to use. I want to call him and talk. I miss his smell. I miss his smile. I miss his dick and rock hard abs. I miss the dream I had of us being successful and loving and healthy. I miss living in a fantasy.
Today I have the life I dreamt for so long,
but it’s not enough cause it’s not with you (my drug).
I spend so much time recreating our memories with other people so I don’t have to think about you anymore.
You were here when the flesh wounds were deep. You bandaged my bleeding heart and nourished me back to life. You dressed my wounds and consoled me with loving sentiments warm dreams.
Now the season is changing and I feel it rising in me yet again. The carnal desire for chaos sprung by the coldest winter temptations. He has been gone almost a year and has never built a home. And yet I fantasize of opening the door to let him enter the house I built with you. I let him crack away at the foundation while I push you to the side.
What is wrong with me?
Have I lost my mind? Or is my ill fated brain tricking me yet again? I can’t trust the addict in me and he, well he is my drug of choice. But I want to take my daily dose of you, I want you to be the cure.
And here you stand starring at my mangled, scared body and choose to not look away. You step closer with each exposed vulnerability. You inch towards me to lay soft kisses across my battle wounds. You don’t see me as a fraction, you see me as the sun of all parts.
This is why you should be the man I so desire, and not the trapped behind me as I run towards nothing.
I can’t help the compulsion. I was addicted. I’m an addict. The desire to want more plays rapidly through my mind. Sometimes often sometimes not for days, but the urge to want to use, it never leaves me. Problem is my drug, my impulse, my compulsion, is him, and that’s hurts/kills you.
I don’t want to think about him. I don’t want to dream about him. I don’t want to miss him. I see the pain in my life from that addiction and I don’t like it. It tears me apart inside and leaves a space empty in my heart.
I want you to fill that space. I want to be full of love and connection. I want to be present and dream of us. It’s a struggle. An ongoing battle between my angels and my demons. Like I’m never satisfied. Like I’m not good enough. Like I can’t possibly be enough cause I don’t feel like I’m ever enough.
Memories of love lust long gone burn hard in the forefront of my mind. I grieve within the chaos cluster fuck of emotions he left behind. I want to be everything beautiful for you. But the honest truth is I’m a beautiful disaster. Lost in this world searching for the light. Stay a little longer. Spark your lighter. Lead the way.