I was told today that humility is the ability to see the light and dark within me. In recognizing my own darkness, I can understand that there is a certain set of circumstances in which I would become a “bad guy.” Am I so egotistical that I never see my dark passenger? Accepting this world and the chaos within it that breaks my spirit, actually shatters my being, is to accept that I am no better than those I demonize for their believes and actions. I can only change myself and that balance of humility is acceptance to the darkness, the deep character defects that make me similar than different to those I despise.
(originally written in Oct 2017)
Que in Staind.
“Since I’ve gone and fucked things up just I always do. It’s been awhile, but all that shit seems to disappear when I’m with you.”
One year ago you were here with me. The crisp bitter air brings back the waft of your memory. My heart is wandering back to the chaos of pain and codependency. I feel myself wandering away from the healthy balanced life I have built for my self. But I guess it been awhile since I have lived like the song that defined me for so many years.
“It’s been awhile since I wasn’t addicted…”
I’m still addicted. Today I want to use. I want to call him and talk. I miss his smell. I miss his smile. I miss his dick and rock hard abs. I miss the dream I had of us being successful and loving and healthy. I miss living in a fantasy.
Today I have the life I dreamt for so long,
but it’s not enough cause it’s not with you (my drug).
I spend so much time recreating our memories with other people so I don’t have to think about you anymore.
You were here when the flesh wounds were deep. You bandaged my bleeding heart and nourished me back to life. You dressed my wounds and consoled me with loving sentiments warm dreams.
Now the season is changing and I feel it rising in me yet again. The carnal desire for chaos sprung by the coldest winter temptations. He has been gone almost a year and has never built a home. And yet I fantasize of opening the door to let him enter the house I built with you. I let him crack away at the foundation while I push you to the side.
What is wrong with me?
Have I lost my mind? Or is my ill fated brain tricking me yet again? I can’t trust the addict in me and he, well he is my drug of choice. But I want to take my daily dose of you, I want you to be the cure.
And here you stand starring at my mangled, scared body and choose to not look away. You step closer with each exposed vulnerability. You inch towards me to lay soft kisses across my battle wounds. You don’t see me as a fraction, you see me as the sun of all parts.
This is why you should be the man I so desire, and not the trapped behind me as I run towards nothing.