I am at peace now.
We used to go up and down, highs and lows like the worlds fastest coaster. I liked the ride, the excitement, and the chaos nervous fear. The passion I felt was twisted in a world of addictive adrenaline junkie choices. I wanted more, I had to have more, I needed more.
I used to complain about the ride, but I never got off, instead I chose to ride it out to more extremes. More violence, more ugliness, more disaster, more pain.
I am at peace now.
Now I circle you, I circle us like a carousel. Around and around, smooth gentle ride. Even and stable, I can withstand the chaos of existence.
I don’t want to ride the roller coaster anymore. I want life on life’s terms, crying coping pain around and around in circles, ever moving, smooth and steady, minute by minute day by day.
There are moments, brief lapse of judgement when the nostalgia creeps in and takes me hostage. Those are times I seem to forget the nausea, the heartbreak, the unmanagability. I just remember the heart racing thrill I once felt. I urn for that excitement, and sometimes one day at a time doesn’t give it to me. Sometimes I see you on the ride and I want to get on. Until those 2:30am calls for help arose, until those agonizing pleas and dissatisfaction come about, until those alcohol induced consequences become reality. Then I remember the carousel.
I am at peace. Around and around, smooth and steady. I want so badly to buy you ticket to join me, I want to ride this carousel with you by my side, I wish for peace in your life like I have found.
But you don’t want to get off the roller coaster of unmanageability yet. Your ride isn’t done. So I choose to answer the calls for help, listen to the chaos and consequences and without judgement and wait. Wait for a time when we can ride together. Wait for a time when we walk the same the path. I wait without fear, filled with faith one day at a time.
I am at peace, calm and steady, around and around.