Fresh snow fell today. Winter is here and it couldn’t have had better timing. Winter symbolizes change. It is the death before the rebirth. It is the necessary transition needed to rest, heal and transform.
I used to have this mindset of ” if I just get to here [fill in blank]…I’ll be happy.” But I need to see there isn’t a destination I am traveling to in life. The solution is how do I find a way to navigate my life.
My empty frozen heart shovels heaps of snow into the street. I push along mindlessly knowing that a path must cleared. And it hits me. I’ve been using in the last three months. But it hasn’t been chemicals, it’s been my relationship.
I never had my own self esteem, I lived off of what others think of me. But that’s my disease of addiction, the constant need to escape myself. I was an addict long before I picked up, because I don’t have a drug problem, I have a thinking problem. So I always had to have someone else be responsible for my life. I did it all, but I had them as the scapegoat, therefore I didn’t have to take responsibility for my choices and their consequences. And I’ve lost myself in “us” and “you.”
Someone told me once I should pray for pain. Cause with pain comes tears. With tears comes healing. With healing comes change. And the snow falls.
I flash back to a time when we were shoveling the yard together and burst into a snowball fight. We rolled around the ground laughing with snow entering in all the cracks and crevices of the body. I remember feeling happy and thinking this is what life will be like with you and our kids. But it has taken me a long time to see us for what we were not what I imagined. And when I put power into people,places and things, I put the power into them over myself. I did that with you. However, when I admit I am powerless, I am giving power to something over me.
The coldest winter leaves frost bite on extremities if you stay out too long. Too long controlling. The solution is to realize you can’t change the weather. Transition is ok. Change is good, pain and cold. But I can throw it up and know that I can go inside and warm up in the presence of the creator. Even in winter, signs of life exist. I just need to get on that path so I can see them again. And unfortunatly that path is without you.