Every morning I wake up at 7. I wake to wet puppy kisses on my face. I see them, completely dependent on me for their basic needs. I feel calm. A deep connection. I get up and I see you across the house, clothes in the closet, razor in the shower, photos on the wall, jacket by the door, keys on the rack, everything is just as it was left. I feel emptiness inside of me. The leftover tenants of you and a life that never was but always hoped to be. I forget it all and put on my shoes, plug in my earbuds and walk. We walk the lake and watch the sun rise sparkling across the horizon. I walk away my fears. I walk away my sorrow. I walk away all that’s inside of me and find peace in the silence of nature. In the beat of my tunes. In the step of my dogs. This is the only peace I have.
I imagine by now you have torn up and taken down all of the pictures of us and me. You live in place that I haven’t touched. You only remember me from your mind. I envy that peace. Cause I have to put on smile and push through, except I’m terrible at it and everyone knows. I have to deal with the daily dose of “how’s Dana?” “Idk, we broke up.” “What!?!Why?” “I don’t want to talk about it.” That look in their face. The shock and disbelief. I get to see in others faces what I feel. I can’t hide. Everywhere and everything reminds me of you. And I can’t stand to see you linger on but I can’t stand to move anything you left behind. So I walk to find my peace. One hour a day before the disappointment. Before the pain. Before the reality sinks in. The lake a place I tried to make ours but it was always mine. Just mine.
My only peace.