I’ve lost myself out at sea. I’m drifting away. The life preserver clenches my body and keeps just a float. I’m teetering between and death and have totally submitted to the sea and its will. To use the words of Grieves, a hip hop artist, “I’m calming the storm and I’m floating away, but it feels like I’m drowning.”
This divorce has taken everything out of me, even my will to write. It’s been a while since I found my voice. In the middle of the storm, I found myself crushed, desperate, broke and disappointed, mainly in myself and who I have become. Now that I can drift, I see the meaningless energy I put into a sinking ship. But there wasn’t a flight attendant to tell me where to locate the nearest exit. I didn’t have an emergency plan, I was married to the Titanic, the ship that was supposed to be indestructible.
I can’t tell if my heart is finally melting that glacier of frozen feelings inside of me, or if it’s just beginning to freeze. But I feel a small spring of sexual energy in me the further I drift away from you and path of destruction. I almost forget that I am alive. Most days I feel numb. But it must be getting better.
Today I wrote.