Green light, Red light


redlightgreenlight

Some days I feel like I am trying to hard.  I am struggling for nothing.  I push myself to feel happy with things they way they are, when truth be told I am very unhappy; quite miserable as some would say.  I love change and excitement, but leaving you is not the kind of excitement I look for in life.  I struggle and struggle and work so damn hard to keep the appearance of happiness that inside I am empty and lonely.  And somehow I still love you.  Truth be told, the is my justification for my deep seeded unhappiness.

I am not married to my best friend and feel resentment to all of the  wonderful people who are and get brag about their incredible partners on Facebook.  My guy is ok, well he’s more than ok, he’s just ok to me.  Our life is not full with smiles and dreams, instead we are programmed to 3 month cycles of extreme highs and lows, separation, reconciliation and doing it over again.  Now the empty, meaningless threats of divorce have no weight and make me laugh.  I know I would be better without you, and I can’t help feeling like I have wasted two years of life, yet I don’t want to loose you.

I know that you will take care of me forever.  I know that you will love me forever.  I know that I am your queen always.

How could it be better than this? Of all the perfect fits in the world, I have with something no other man has ever given me; commitment.  I not sure if I am good enough to ever find something or someone again who will give me that.

So I cry in bed.

I drink wine.

I smoke weed.

I self medicate.

And I wake up to you, after sleeping well, to fresh pot of coffee you made and I feel blessed.

Is misery a part of love that I can handle?

Do I have the courage to move on, accepting less than what I have now?